


Live In My Heart

by pjmhoshi



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Car Accidents, How Do I Tag, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi is Whipped, Lee Jihoon | Woozi is Whipped, M/M, Moving On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23343829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pjmhoshi/pseuds/pjmhoshi
Summary: Jihoon visits their favorite coffee shop again.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	Live In My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> henlo, this is just a piece from my depressed mind. this is the first time i will ever publish my work online, and no one beta read this for me, but even with that, i hope you enjoy. comments and criticisms are much appreciated.

20 years have passed since I last saw that place, yet I can’t seem to just bury it at the back of my mind. By now, I should have moved on. By now, the nightmares of yesterday shouldn’t be the problems of my tomorrow. But here I am, running back to reminisce all of those memories. Here I am, running back to him.

  
20 years have passed since Soonyoung died. It was a week before we leave Seoul, to move to Busan, and to start a new life away from the chaos. He just turned over his resignation letter, and he was set to be the best father there was. It was a week before we officially adopt a child. It was a week before we start a new journey in our life as a family. But all of that came crashing down because of the accident.

  
It was winter back then; the storm seems to get worse every night. The snow turned our nights cold, and the streets were more dangerous. But of course, that didn’t stop Soonyoung to go to the hospital he was working at, when the head doctor called for backup nurses to attend to patients from an accident.

  
He has always been like that. Looking after people. Being reliable. A modern superhero. He wanted to save lives, just like how he saved mine. Little did we know, he would be the one needing to be saved that night.

  
It was a small car accident, a red four-seater car hit Soonyoung’s scooter when it tried to overtake. The impact of the collision sent Soonyoung to the emergency room of the same hospital he was supposed to go. And not an hour later, before I even arrived to see him in his last breath, I received a call from one of his colleagues, telling me my husband died at 24 years old.

  
20 years have passed and I still can’t forgive myself.

  
He died, and I could not do anything to save him. I wasn’t even able to see him in his last moment. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Or that I love him for the last time.

  
He was gone before I know it, and my life flashed before my eyes. The love of my life, the reason why I’m alive, my happiness. All of him, gone in a flash.

  
I didn’t have the energy to process any emotion that night. I didn’t get angry, even if I wanted to. I didn’t cry even if that was the only thing I wanted to do. I was dead inside. Hollow. Empty. Broken.

  
I told myself I would never cry, because Soonyoung does not like seeing me cry. He wanted me to be happy. He always said that of all the beings in the universe, I deserve happiness. And I was. With him in my life, how could I not be happy? He gave me the happiness that I could never imagine I would feel. He gave me a world where I can be hopeful, happy, and loved. He was the air that I breathe, and when he died, he took all of that with him. 

  
And so, I was set to live my life alone, to not cry, but to not feel anything too. I continued my life, accepting that he was gone, and I can’t do anything to bring him back. With the thought of moving on, I wanted to forget about him completely. I left everything that made me remember him. I threw my memories with him, and all of him in the back of my mind.

  
But here I am now, 20 years after my life completely shut down. Here at Soonyoung’s favorite place in the entire universe, or so he always says. I turned off my car’s engine as I look at the small coffee shop from the parking lot. I’m not quite sure how did I ended up going here, after 20 years of completely ignoring and forgetting about this place.

  
I sighed heavily as I get off my car, not quite knowing what to expect. Not quite sure why I am in this small coffee shop by the sea on Soonyoung’s 20th death anniversary, but the scenario gave me peace of mind. Like it always been. It made me feel like all of these is normal. Like everything was back when he was still here.

  
I entered the cabin-like shop and ordered his favorite, a simple hot chocolate which was the specialty of the place. I sat at our table, the small space which holds a huge part in my life, and the place where the most special memories in my life happened. Suddenly, every memory came flashing on my mind. All of my emotions crashing down at me all at once. I smiled sweetly at the seat in front of me, picturing him there, just life he has always been before.

  
I miss him. I miss you so much, Soonyoung-ah.

  
I wanted to be selfish. I always thought you were unfair. You left me all alone in this dark world, you left me to face the monsters of reality. What did you expect? That I can live my life again, without you by my side? What do you expect me to feel? When I open the door to our home and not see any trace of you there? How do you expect me to sleep at night, and not think about how I lost my future with you? How do you expect me to live without you? Because in all honesty, I don’t ever think I can.

  
What am I going to do without you? How am I supposed to live my life without you? You took everything that made me want to live my life when you left. You are my life. You are my happiness. And all of that’s gone.

  
I don’t know how to move forward, Soonyoung. I don’t know how to forget about you. And maybe because I know in my heart that I don’t ever want to forget about you. You were the best part my whole existence. 

  
I don’t want to forget how you smiled at me the first time we met. How you walked in my life and just decided to give me your everything. 

  
I don’t want to forget to tears on your eyes when I told you I liked you too. How you hugged me so tight, that I could feel your heart beating against mine. 

  
I don’t want to forget how happy you look when I first told you I love you. How your voice sounded when you told me you love me too. 

  
I don’t want to forget the way your body feels when pressed to mine. How it feels to feel your hands roam in my waist, how your lips all over my body, and how you praise me like I am the best thing in the universe. 

  
I don’t want to forget how we dance slowly in our small apartment, with the tune of our hearts in sync. With only the comfort of our tiny home around us, protecting us from the demons outside those four corners.

  
I don’t want to forget how you knelt down in this café when you asked me to marry you. And how you smiled so big that we cried our hearts out, happy we are to start a life together and our journey to happily-ever-after forever.

  
I don’t want to forget about how you would always tell me you love me. How you will always tell me I deserve happiness. How you will always tell me that I deserve the world. You were my world, Soonyoung. Don’t you think I deserve you a little longer than this? You told me I deserve everything in this damned reality. But I deserve to be with you more than anything else in the world.

  
I stared at the sunset by the window beside me. I smile to myself as I reminisce everything. Remembering how many times he and I have looked at the same sunset in this little sanctuary. Remembering how he would always squeeze my hand ever so lightly, just to make me feel this is real. Remembering all of the memories I tried to forget for the past 20 years. Remembering all of him.

  
I don’t ever want to forget you.

  
You were the best part of Lee Jihoon. And I will lose myself if I ever lose the memory of Kwon Soonyoung.

  
So please. Don’t ever die again. Live in my memory. Live in my mind and in my heart. Forever.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for the read, i hope you enjoy. i would like to hear your thoughts in the comments :) <3


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